I have loved badly, loved the great
Too soon, withdrawn my words too late;
And eaten in an echoing hall
Alone and from a chipped plate
The words that I withdrew too late,
-Edna St. Vincent Millay

“the hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn”
- david russell -

There was glass inside my feet and raining down from the ceiling, it opened up the scars that had just finished healing.

Please please please let my gut be wrong and my friends be liars.
Please please please don't show me that I can't trust anyone.

the boys i mean are not refined
they go with girls who buck and bite
they do not give a fuck for luck
they hump them thirteen times a night

one hangs a hat upon her tit
one carves a cross on her behind
they do not give a shit for wit
the boys i mean are not refined

they come with girls who bite and buck
who cannot read and cannot write
who laugh like they would fall apart
and masturbate with dynamite

the boys i mean are not refined
they cannot chat of that and this
they do not give a fart for art
they kill like you would take a piss

they speak whatever’s on their mind
they do whatever’s in their pants
the boys i mean are not refined
they shake the mountains when they dance

— e.e. cummings

Just once I would like to wake up in the morning by my own accord and not because of my noisy roommates.

"you blackberry wielding, trip-hop trancing, two faced critical masshole!!!"

Sometimes I think I may just have multiple personalities. Hrmph.

The tingle has returned.

Is it sexually suggestive for a couple to go as Peter&a Pumpkin?

I can survive. And I can endure. And I don't even think about her. Most of the time.

I sat beside a man on the bus today that smelled like you did four years ago. When we sat in the park until I couldn't feel my toes.
And then Bob Dylan came on my iPod. And I started silently crying on public transportation.

When do I get my life back?

Hey don't look at me that way, like I'm the one whose not the same.

Quotes I want to remember forever, entry one.
"And I love you"
and when questioned why,
"because you usually smell good, you take care of me when needed, youre smart, hot, gorgeous etc. my fam loves you and my mom actually the other day said that you and me should date again and i was ok waht the heck"
but here's the best part...
"and you could be redneck if you had to be."
Best frayands!


Thank you, Facebook, for showing me that all of my previous best friends grew up to be sorority girls.

I want to boycott herbal essence for telling me that 2 in 5 women will marry their first loves. Things like this still make me sad. For no real reason.

Did I really just tell you that you were needy?

AM I COMPLETELY CRACKING UP AGAIN?

Coors Light Life.

Saturday I worked 8 hours, came home from work, made porkchops for everyone...
then I took a 45 minute shower.
Except I have the handicap accessible shower. So I got to sit on the handicapped bench and drink beer for the entirety of my shower.
and it ruled.

I may become an alcoholic.
These are the beauties in life you become acquainted with in college.

I want to be vegetarian again.

I don't want to complain anymore. I don't I don't I don't. I am going to suck it up and know it will all be over in two months.
Hopefully...
[I just wish I had at least a little control and didn't get this overwhelming feeling like I'm being smothered sometimes.]

I am not going to class again today.
I don't want to.
Really, there is nothing wrong with the class, other than the fact it's so easy it's a joke.
We have a professor with a very apologetic tone and we sit in a circle and talk about great works of race.
And I haven't been able to force myself to go in two weeks.
I do the reading, and then when it comes time to walk to class, I cannot bring myself to do it.

So, maybe I'm not as "better" as I'd like to believe.

&This is why I am withdrawing from the university's spring semester tomorrow at 8am.

I'm not skipping class because I'm such a party animal. Or because I have anything better to do. I'm skipping class because apparently I am just as depressed as I have been for the past five years, except I've lost any and all desire to fake it anymore. I've faked school for too long and I really just cannot do it anymore.
I am perfectly happy until I set foot onto a campus. Has anyone else noticed this?

If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you.

So I could talk about how I am upset that my friends stood me up for dinner last night, after infinite "We'll be there in fifteen minutes" calls, which basically and directly resulted in me not getting to see a concert I really wanted to go to.
But I got on my computer this morning and saw this picture that I didn't know had been taken
and somehow I just realize I don't have anything to complain about.

My weekend was great. Really, really, great.

I enjoy getting on the wrong highway and driving 45 minutes in the wrong direction with you, because we are too busy talking to realize neither of us know where we are. And you don't get mad at me when I tell you the wrong exit... four times... and we pass it then have to turn around... three times.
I also enjoy taking you to the asian market because you call entire aisles of things "crunchies" and kiss me on the cheek in front of unsuspecting asian strangers who can read the things that we cannot.
And I am glad that the rain ruined every plan we made and that we had to instead go out to dinner where I ordered only banana pudding and drank water through a bendy straw. I am happy we had to resort to grocery shopping and dinner making and cuddling instead of partying and getting schwasted.

YOU ALREADY MADE SOCIAL LIFE INTOLERABLE FOR ME TO THE POINT I HAD TO TRANSFER SCHOOLS, SO PLEASE KEEP STORIES ABOUT ME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH YOU HYPOCRITICAL TOOL.

I AM HAPPY WITHOUT YOU IN MY LIFE SO PLEASE STOP MAKING GUEST APPEARANCES.

FHSDIFSDFJKLSD

You'd think making me absolutely miserable for four years would be enough. Apparently not.
How did I ever feel anything for you?
Oh, that's right. You weren't the person you are today.

No one really knows the ones they love
If you knew everything they thought
I bet that you'd wish that they'd just shut up.

I had a dream that I had a baby and I kept forgetting to feed it and it was evil. Like.. chuckie style evil. And would bite me and grab onto my hair.

Again.

No dreams were good dreams. My psyche is creeping me out.

Today I exfoliated with espresso grounds! ohsosmoothandslimey!

HEY I had a dream my grandmother died and woke up crying so I'd like to go back to not remembering my dreams again.

For the past four days I've woken up and remembered my dreams.

... I haven't had dreams I could in two years, solid.

This makes me smile.

Even if my dream last night was about my old best friend becoming a paramedic and losing her wedding ring which was attached to a gold chain in the ocean which was the back of an ambulance and flying to Italy where the ocean fed into a small river to search for it on the oceans' floor at someone's uncle's house.

It's not the intention but we let it all go.

Last night I fell asleep after realizing I am looking forward to dropping out of college more than I have ever looked forward to anything in my life.
Even if only for a semester, this is the first shot I've ever called for myself. This is what I need and what I want, and I am so ready to be free of everyone that has held me back and pushed me into the corners I never wanted to be in.

I am so happy with everyone in my life now, I truly am.
And can I say something I never thought I would?
I don't miss him. Not one bit.
The only thing I miss is the history. And that's all I was holding on to the whole time I was with him. I miss the inside jokes and the stories, but nothing else. I don't miss our conversations or the tone of his voice or the angle of his chin. I don't miss his arrogance or his attitude. Nothing. Not one thing about him as a person, or about our relationship. I miss the situation I constructed for us in my head, maybe. The happy couple with all the jokes. You know, the lie. Hindsight is 20/20, obviously.

I cannot wait to see you again.
I cannot believe you walked into my life when you did, when I was so happy being alone,
And I've never been more grateful for anything.
I love that I feel like I have so much to learn from you,
I love that I feel so close to you, even 150 miles away.
I love that I can talk to you like I've never talked to anyone.
I love that I look forward to the future again.
I love that I can be free without reserve with you.
I love that I want things I didn't think I wanted anymore.
For the first time I honestly think someone else in this world is really concerned about my well being. And it's so foreign.
All of this is so new, and I cannot imagine letting any of it go.
I've never been happier.
I cannot wait to wake up beside you every morning. To come home to you everyday. To make dinner together and show one another our pasts and presents and futures... even if we are waking up at four am to go to work every morning.
Thank you thank you thank you.
Thank you for seeing the real me. Thank you for accepting me with all of my flaws, with all of my baggage. And thank you for letting me be the little spoon. :)

And the people you loved but you didn't quite know,
THEY'RE THE PLACES THAT YOU WANTED TO GO.

Things that I often do that upset me :

• Procrastinate.

• Act unaffected.

• Wake up to take care of something, take care of it in too timely of a manner and have awkward, extra, sleepy time.
• Defend people who would never defend me.

• Become the go-to-girl of bad shift coverage at work.
  

hm.
megobacktosleepnow.

I live with six girls.

So. You know how on 'Mean Girls' Kadi gets her bitch pseudo friend to eat caltine bars in an effort to make her fat?

I am about to stoop to her level.

STOP BITCHING ABOUT BEING FAT AND UGLY YOU WHOREMONGER.
ALSO, FAT FREE CHIPS AND RANCH DRESSING AREN'T HEALTHY. THE END.

PS Pleaseeeeeeee stop trying to gain self esteem from short term "relationships," also known as one night stands, with boys. We're supposed to be adults. Not only this, but we're students at one of the most prestigious public schools in the nation. Cheese and rice, batman!

Apparently life costs 50 dollars.

I got this in the mail today.
Talk is cheap. Apparently life is cheaper.
Please note my ROCKIN paint skills I broke out just for this.

Also. I did all of my chemistry homework and now I reallllllly don't want to go to class... Mostly because I have to argue with my professor about my lab grade. Meep.
I believe there is an equation that goes something like sqrt of good student+homework/class time = good and right now I am good student +homework/class time = I'd rather hide in a closet.

HEY. PS I AM MOVING BACK TO CONCORD IN DECEMBER AND LOOKING AT HOUSES. I AM IN LOVE.
Anyone seriously interested in sharing a house?

Maybe it will mean more if I write it down

Things I want to change/alter/do more of....
1. I want to read more.
THERE IS SO MUCH KNOWLEDGE AND PERSPECTIVE TO GAIN ON THE WORLD VIA LITERATURE AND I LOST TOUCH WITH THAT WHEN READING BECAME MY MAJOR.
2. I want to take more pictures.
I regret that I will not have a clear way to remember every moment of my life. I have such amazing people in my life, and so many little, great memories, and I want to be able to cherish them in technicolor.
3. I want to be nicer. I want to be more positive. I want to be a better influence.

4. I want to be happy with what I have.

So many have so much less than I do. I have a job. I have a future. I have choice, and I don't know why I've lost touch with all of this. LIFE WILL NEVER GET BETTER THAN IT IS AT THAT MOMENT, BECAUSE THAT MOMENT IS WHAT MATTERS.

5. I want to be in touch with world events, but out of touch with the influence of the media.

6. I want a garden. I want to use the Earth's energy to fuel my own. No companies or hormones or pollutants.

7. I want people to know how much I appreciate them.
I AM GOING TO MAKE A POSITIVE EFFORT ON THIS ONE. FOR REAL.

8. I want to leave this country, in a way as little remiscent of a tourist as possible, before the fall of 2010.
9. I want to make a conscious effort to buy everything material either second hand or recycled.

...

Today I woke up, did some reading, got in the shower so I can go to work.
As I'm in the shower I hear yelling/knocking on what I assume is the door to the apartment.
No.
My roommate puked all over the hallway in front of my bathroom. All in my bathroom floor. And apparently vomited violently enough to spray the bathroom door. All while I am in the shower. So I get to stand there butt ass naked while she swiffer wet jets the floor so I can get out of my own shower.

I hate Chapel Hill. There. I said it.
And I'm not being unfair. I've been here three weeks. I was open minded. I HATE IT.

Blogosphere snogoschmear.

I looked a lot like this when I woke up this morning;

Once upon a time I blogged/journaled/wrote/doodled/annotated incessantly.
Then I got wrapped up in someone. Then a job. Then I got wrapped up in college.
And now I miss writing. And having something as a back up if I forget my youth in it's entirety.

Let's see how this goes.

Seeing as I'm still a working full time student and in an amazing, and albeit beautiful and fruitful, relationship... my track record isn't very promising.