For the past four days I've woken up and remembered my dreams.

... I haven't had dreams I could in two years, solid.

This makes me smile.

Even if my dream last night was about my old best friend becoming a paramedic and losing her wedding ring which was attached to a gold chain in the ocean which was the back of an ambulance and flying to Italy where the ocean fed into a small river to search for it on the oceans' floor at someone's uncle's house.

It's not the intention but we let it all go.

Last night I fell asleep after realizing I am looking forward to dropping out of college more than I have ever looked forward to anything in my life.
Even if only for a semester, this is the first shot I've ever called for myself. This is what I need and what I want, and I am so ready to be free of everyone that has held me back and pushed me into the corners I never wanted to be in.

I am so happy with everyone in my life now, I truly am.
And can I say something I never thought I would?
I don't miss him. Not one bit.
The only thing I miss is the history. And that's all I was holding on to the whole time I was with him. I miss the inside jokes and the stories, but nothing else. I don't miss our conversations or the tone of his voice or the angle of his chin. I don't miss his arrogance or his attitude. Nothing. Not one thing about him as a person, or about our relationship. I miss the situation I constructed for us in my head, maybe. The happy couple with all the jokes. You know, the lie. Hindsight is 20/20, obviously.

I cannot wait to see you again.
I cannot believe you walked into my life when you did, when I was so happy being alone,
And I've never been more grateful for anything.
I love that I feel like I have so much to learn from you,
I love that I feel so close to you, even 150 miles away.
I love that I can talk to you like I've never talked to anyone.
I love that I look forward to the future again.
I love that I can be free without reserve with you.
I love that I want things I didn't think I wanted anymore.
For the first time I honestly think someone else in this world is really concerned about my well being. And it's so foreign.
All of this is so new, and I cannot imagine letting any of it go.
I've never been happier.
I cannot wait to wake up beside you every morning. To come home to you everyday. To make dinner together and show one another our pasts and presents and futures... even if we are waking up at four am to go to work every morning.
Thank you thank you thank you.
Thank you for seeing the real me. Thank you for accepting me with all of my flaws, with all of my baggage. And thank you for letting me be the little spoon. :)

And the people you loved but you didn't quite know,
THEY'RE THE PLACES THAT YOU WANTED TO GO.

Things that I often do that upset me :

• Procrastinate.

• Act unaffected.

• Wake up to take care of something, take care of it in too timely of a manner and have awkward, extra, sleepy time.
• Defend people who would never defend me.

• Become the go-to-girl of bad shift coverage at work.
  

hm.
megobacktosleepnow.

I live with six girls.

So. You know how on 'Mean Girls' Kadi gets her bitch pseudo friend to eat caltine bars in an effort to make her fat?

I am about to stoop to her level.

STOP BITCHING ABOUT BEING FAT AND UGLY YOU WHOREMONGER.
ALSO, FAT FREE CHIPS AND RANCH DRESSING AREN'T HEALTHY. THE END.

PS Pleaseeeeeeee stop trying to gain self esteem from short term "relationships," also known as one night stands, with boys. We're supposed to be adults. Not only this, but we're students at one of the most prestigious public schools in the nation. Cheese and rice, batman!

Apparently life costs 50 dollars.

I got this in the mail today.
Talk is cheap. Apparently life is cheaper.
Please note my ROCKIN paint skills I broke out just for this.

Also. I did all of my chemistry homework and now I reallllllly don't want to go to class... Mostly because I have to argue with my professor about my lab grade. Meep.
I believe there is an equation that goes something like sqrt of good student+homework/class time = good and right now I am good student +homework/class time = I'd rather hide in a closet.

HEY. PS I AM MOVING BACK TO CONCORD IN DECEMBER AND LOOKING AT HOUSES. I AM IN LOVE.
Anyone seriously interested in sharing a house?

Maybe it will mean more if I write it down

Things I want to change/alter/do more of....
1. I want to read more.
THERE IS SO MUCH KNOWLEDGE AND PERSPECTIVE TO GAIN ON THE WORLD VIA LITERATURE AND I LOST TOUCH WITH THAT WHEN READING BECAME MY MAJOR.
2. I want to take more pictures.
I regret that I will not have a clear way to remember every moment of my life. I have such amazing people in my life, and so many little, great memories, and I want to be able to cherish them in technicolor.
3. I want to be nicer. I want to be more positive. I want to be a better influence.

4. I want to be happy with what I have.

So many have so much less than I do. I have a job. I have a future. I have choice, and I don't know why I've lost touch with all of this. LIFE WILL NEVER GET BETTER THAN IT IS AT THAT MOMENT, BECAUSE THAT MOMENT IS WHAT MATTERS.

5. I want to be in touch with world events, but out of touch with the influence of the media.

6. I want a garden. I want to use the Earth's energy to fuel my own. No companies or hormones or pollutants.

7. I want people to know how much I appreciate them.
I AM GOING TO MAKE A POSITIVE EFFORT ON THIS ONE. FOR REAL.

8. I want to leave this country, in a way as little remiscent of a tourist as possible, before the fall of 2010.
9. I want to make a conscious effort to buy everything material either second hand or recycled.

...