⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Enough with this bullshit. You know what love is? Love is cruel.

Love has a pinnacle, except, no one ever realizes when they're there. Those few weeks where you eat, sleep, and breathe the other person. You have toe curling sex at every turn. You cannot wait to lie against their chest and just exist for a while. You endure their awful family and you kiss them from head to toe and would drink their bath water if given the chance. And then it stops. You appreciate being around them. You enjoy the comfort. You don't hate being with them. But that peak, you'll never get there again.

Goddamnit.

last night as I laid in bed I resolved that, yes, I am 21, and yes I need to be medicated.

and today all I want to do is cry about it.

ohohgodgoddamnit.

"at first you're like 'this is weird' then you're like 'this is delicious' then you just swallow it"
"I think that's a girl thing." -Ry ry

Gum.

It's so funny that while I'm two miles into the middle of the woods alone, I jump at the sounds of leaves rustling and acorns falling. I shouldn't be afraid of nature. I should be terrified of the two-ton metal death machine I drive to work daily, or the cancer I'm going to get from our fake food. Why is it that I was raised to be afraid of things that go bump in the night but to embrace a society full of high fructose corn syrup and diet pills?

here we go.

I think all of this existential crisis I've been stuck in for the past three years can be chalked up to this jpeg to the left. And it makes me angry. I was a raging feminist, a thinker, and someone who didn't subscribe to the usual social bullshit. So when did it change and how do I get back to my riot grrl roots? I'd say when I somehow got thrown off of my course to single handedly right all wrong in the world, and became more interested in getting married and having a crunchy granola hippy life. The problem is I just forgot I could have both. I became submissive and a goddamn housewife. Me, the abraisive, outspoken, confrontational little girl grew up to be a goddamn doormat who wants to fold your laundry. Maybe that whole having my heart broken thing fucked me up and just made me want to be loved. Or maybe that's those daddy issues. So instead of the world, I want to fix lost causes of men and mend their socks. How did I get here and why did I fail to realise I was here? That secret desire to become a housewife was always there, but not in the general sense. I want to live in the country where I get to write and sew and garden and have a husband who sits in his office determined to hammer out a screen play, and takes play breaks with our kids. Here lies another issue -- why the fuck am I focusing on having a husband and children when I cannot tell you what I want a degree in? Where do I want to be in two years? Where do I want to work? I've been settling so long I don't even know HOW to dream anymore. I just take the whole world as it comes. "Acting and reacting."I get caught up in this and think I can change the world and then, suprise, it doesn't happen. Who the fuck am I to say one person cannot change the world? Maybe it's psychotic to think you are significant, but I am sure people would love to medicate away my feelings of insignificance. We are all perfect and beautiful, but we are all the most awful parasitic species to have ever roamed the planet. Maybe this is why I'm obsessed with getting OUT of society. We're all englightened and think we are significant, but what greatness are we bestowing on this planet? All we are doing in math and science is finding ways to explain what already occurs in nature, and then utilizing this knowledge to destroy the planet and eachother. It's so funny, how I can hate the human race and deem us insignificant but still desperately want nothing more than to be significant to someone, anyone.

Determination.

I am incredibly determined to start writing again. As I'm being pressured to start a music blog for a friend's up and coming website/company/what have you, I've got to get into the habit of forming complete sentences once again.

So, here goes another attempt at not sounding like I may or may not be mentally impaired.

i will i will i will start blogging again.